STEVE SOLOMON

COMEDIAN - PLAYWRIGHT - ACTOR

Steve Solomon

Steve's Blog - Things My Therapist Never Told Me

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Most people complain about hospital food. Some say that after dining at certain unmentionable fast food emporiums the flavor lingers for a week or so; one belch and you know someone’s had McDonalds for breakfast. Being a frequent flyer; also makes me a frequent consumer of airline comestibles.

In general, airline food, is really not too bad. Rather sparse portions but not unpalatable. What you sees is what you gets! A small cup of cookie (chocolate something) A less than generous helping of fruits of all nations; one of which is that fruit you never could name, that comes from either a Caribbean Island or Zimbabwe. A three inch chef’s salad with mystery crispies and motor oil /buttermilk/lump dressing and a mini-knife and fork. Have I forgotten something? The entree, the piece- de-resistance. For breakfast, it's usually eggs-something or mini waffle-something or pancakes-something accompanied by meat-something. Served meticulously on doll house dishes.

This time it was pancakes-something. Specifically, it was the "something" that changed my hunger into havoc. Pancakes go with what? Syrup ? Apple sauce? Maybe. Strawberries? Possibly. Blueberries? Why not? Lemon ooze? That's right shoppers; lemon ooze.  And lemon ooze is a euphemism for what this stuff was. Each minuscule pancake-ette was stuffed with this by- product of better living through chemistry. Even the flight attendants were poking at it and gagging. They thought it was alive! It was not unlike Seven-up mixed with wallpaper paste.

As my fork pressed down in the center to cut the pancake; a lemon-yellow slug emerged from its bisquick shell and slithered across my micro plate. I took two chocolate chips from the cookie-ette and used them to make eyes on my lemon slug. No one laughed. You know that jelly "yuk" that you find on the bottom of yesterday’s chicken? Add lemon juice and that’s what my pancakes were filled with.

Looking about the cabin, I noticed that almost everyone finished the other items on their trays and tried to work around the ooze. The guy next to me ordered the" frequent flier wonder omelet" it had red slugs with a skin disorder leaving the omelet from both ends. He didn't eat his either. He looked at me, I looked at him ... we exchanged strange fruit, conversation and in-flight comfort bags.  Welcome to first class flying.

 

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